X/81. Solitude
Solitude is good, but you have to enjoy the company.
Solitude is my greatest solace and my greatest strength, because that is when my mind is at its best and I can focus intently on its lessons and goals without distraction. I focus on the future, not wasting time on memories. That is my daily inspiration, refreshment and settlement.
Command of solitude means I am in command of my life, and the end of it. I will not surrender any of that.
––John Roberts
The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone.
––Henrik Ibsen
I was never less alone than while by myself.
––Edward Gibbon, Memoirs, 1796
Hell is oneself; Hell is alone, the other figures in it merely projections. There is nothing to escape from and nothing to escape to. One is always alone.
––George Eliot
Hell is other people.
––Jean Paul Sartre
I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude….
If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
––Henry David Thoreau, Walden, 1854
Solitude is the state in which experience is disengaged from other people….Solitude is the luminous silent space of freedom, of self and nature, of reflection and creative power. There we feel and see and contemplate with a freshness scarcely to be believed; there, in the Free and Easy Wandering of the spirit, in the startling exhilaration of a creative vision, we make hash of predestination. There is nothing better for a human person, though there are loving things, as good.
––Philip Koch, Solitude, 1994
In solitude one is not lonely, even though alone. Indeed, there are periods of successful solitude in the presence of others, a rudeness one must be careful about. For me, that state of mind is different from focused meditation and quiet contemplation of self and world, those other valuable skills. For me it is placing my mind away from lesser distractions and then arranging and adding understanding and connectivity to the disorganized storm of fact, opinion, and observation that intrudes on my sense of peace. Getting my mental house in order is the measure and duty of every day, and a lifetime, all the more so as I try to clean up and prepare for the shut-down of that curious and fervid brain that has lured me into so much joy, excitement, and satisfaction.
I have, by choice, been very much a loner all my life. Among other things, this is good preparation for dying. Of course, I have had my family, close comrades, friends, and colleagues in varying degrees. I have learned much about love and compassion, how to give as well as receive, but I have isolated myself, single-mindedly devoted myself to my careers, and not always been able to establish those outgoing qualities as the rock foundation of my life and mission. Knowing that, however, has not deterred me from forming my personal, internal objectives and self-respect, much of which derived from those around me while being formed in the privacy of my own contemplation. In the end, I have taken more than I have given, and I am trying to redress that balance in order to help myself, and a few others, through my final days. Solitude should be a preparation for re-engaging and giving, of which the reward is peace.
In order to spend time happily and productively with yourself, you have to enjoy the self you have created. That means humble and enduring self-respect, which can only be developed in solitude. Don’t look to others to build your self-esteem; do it yourself, it’s more reliable. Solitude is a quality that must be carefully managed. It is a positive experience that enables close touch with self, nature, and spirituality. It is important to separate that introspection and problem-solving from the possible negative impact of withdrawal from people and society. It is one thing to move positively into solitude, another to move negatively away from the world.
I love my solitude. I also love people and active participation in the world. I need both, as most of us do. If forced to make a choice, I’ll take the people, because solitude carried too far becomes loneliness and can be destructive. But, people carried too far can become boredom, irritation, and frustration. Enjoying one often comes from too much of the other. Balance and moderation are important. But, with the key personal issues, I prefer to handle it alone. I can skip the superficial and get a lot deeper right way.
I have been an independent loner all my life, but I have never been lonely. My parents, sisters, teachers, colleagues, and to some extent my wife, children, and friends, found me uncommunicative and inward. It is my nature, certainly selfish, but also self-confident. I have always preferred to work things out in my own way, asking no one for help or advice. In some cases I would have done well to listen to others, in others not. That has resulted in mistakes, but also in strength that I have found useful and necessary to my endeavors. Late in life, I have tried to correct this weakness, especially with my children.
Philip Koch (see above) places high value on the happiness and self-improvement that comes from solitude, which he carefully defines, explains, and explores. He emphasizes that it is something quite different from loneliness, isolation, privacy, or alienation, which are distinct conditions. His enlightening book may tell you more about solitude than you care to know; but if you value solitude, or even if you don’t, this book will carry you to new levels and enable greater happiness in this important and necessary aspect of life.
Solitude should be used to good effect––an actual process in search of positive goals, clear thinking, and solving problems without distraction. It becomes a fault, however, if it is used as a lonely escape from reality and responsibility. It may be healthy freedom, but it may also be crushingly restrictive if it is not alternated with enjoyable contact with people and the outside world. Many of us do not know how to use our solitude. It is not just wandering along the beach with disorganized thoughts in search of bright ideas or inner peace. The simple absence of people does not solve many problems or lead to self-improvement. Sometimes people are the only solution.
