V/32. Self-Respect
Self-respect is the self-made log cabin in which you live.
The damage to your past performance from fault and failure is not as serious as the damage you allow to your self-respect. Mistakes are to learn from, not for self-deprecation.
––John Roberts
Never esteem anything as of advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect.
––Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (A.D. 121-180)
All human beings understand the loving process by starting with self. Only after children have learned to love themselves are they able to understand their connection with others and capable of building meaningful and loving relationships with others…A positive self-image is therefore fundamental to all love relationships. Once you have the experience of building self-image, it is much easier to understand that struggle in others.
––Justin Belitz, Success: Full Living, 1991
Accept everything about yourself––I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end––no apologies, no regrets.
––Clark Moustakas (Nightingale.com)
Everything worth having has its price. People who respect themselves are willing to accept the risk that the Indians will be hostile, that the venture will go bankrupt, that the liaison may not turn out to be one in which every day is a holiday because you’re married to me. They are willing to invest something of themselves; they may not play at all, but when they do play, they know the odds. That kind of self-respect is a discipline, a habit of mind that can never be faked but can be developed, trained, coaxed forth.
––Joan Didion, “On Self-Respect,” Slouching Towards Bethlehem, 1961
Self-esteem is essential for psychological survival. It is an emotional sine qua non––without some measure of self-worth, life can be enormously painful, with many basic needs unmet.
––Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning, Self-Esteem, 1992
When you are seriously ill and painful, considering and improving your self-respect may be low on your list of priorities. But, it is an essential part of the process of moving into a positive state and acceptance of the end, however far away that may be. It is never too late to make a useful improvement. There must come a time, sooner rather than later, when you stop regretting the past and seek and build the positive thoughts and attitudes that enable a steady and final peace and understanding with yourself.
Self-respect is the proper beginning. You may have a sprinkling of good qualities, but you can’t build a well-developed and comprehensive character, deal with the world in a mature and self-confident way, or expect the real world to take you seriously in return unless you believe in yourself, unless you are truly proud of what you have built through your own effort and lifetime. Each person has a respectable level of achievement, and it can be increased. With that unshakeable foundation of esteem, you will have no trouble in meeting the challenges to your integrity and positive attitude that will assault you throughout your life.
A lack of self-respect and self-confidence can begin early in life, or it can develop in an adult as a result of mistakes, failure, or, most shattering, a mature and disappointing self-examination of what you really are. Recognition may be useful in correcting problems, undertaking a correction plan, and setting a new course. You must begin with a positive attitude toward yourself. You must believe, or at least begin to think, that you have good and capable qualities. If you think poorly of yourself, you will have a difficult time in doing positive things, certainly not achieving exceptional results. Self-respect is built, a step at a time, by searching for qualities that are easily developed, by doing good things, by accomplishing positive results in some way, every day. Those small building blocks become habit and pride, deserving of respect, and they become the foundation for major accomplishments later.
Self-respect is an essential quality in the latter part of life. Feeling good about yourself is part of the positive attitude that helps improve your physical condition. It helps you put aside the regrets and worries that try to crowd into your period of illness. It enables you to look back on a good life as you seek to avoid or understand its closure and to deal with the grief of dying. Self-respect should be created in childhood; but, if it isn’t, it is never too late as one evaluates the past and prepares for the future.
Self-respect is built through a process. You begin with something done well, and you praise yourself for it. The undeveloped personality seeks reasons to draw the respect of others, thus enabling self-respect to grow with justification. At the same time, you continue to build your compassion and kindness for others. Your goal is to be confident, but not conceited. We have all seen people who are loaded with faults but who act as though they are God’s gift. They are insufferable in projecting their pride and self-absorption. We, instead, need to be humble and modest.
Your self-respect earns the respect of others. The mature ego does not have to blast the world with self-importance and arrogance. In fact, those who feel it is necessary to display their confidence and accomplishment are often those who are uncertain and insecure about their real worth. Their inflated view of themselves needs the reinforcement that comes from convincing others of its authenticity. That kind of self-appreciation washes away when challenged by those who see the truth.
It takes some talent to make mistakes and recognize your faults and, at the same time, see reason to approve of what you are and where you are going. Honest self-assessment is the essential element of the long process of building self-respect. Sometimes we just have to accept what we are. Rather than use that as a reason to think less of ourselves, we minimize the damage, never stop trying to change it if we can, and focus on good things. Insecure people lacking in self-respect are all around us. Some try to disguise it, some do not or cannot.
Understanding yourself is best begun with respect for the good things you find. Then spend the rest of your life improving them, adding to them, and organizing them into a framework for belief and behavior. Create a self-portrait to show the world; create a winning machine for the competition of life; create something to be proud of. Honest self-assessment is the essential element of the long process of building self-respect. It is not easy to see ourselves as others see us. It begins there, with total honesty. On this basis, we can leave life viewed positively in retrospect.
